i think i scared a bird with my dick
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
