She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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