never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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