god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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