I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
