dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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