You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
