I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
