i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Found your dick twin last night
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
