Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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