Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
