i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
