If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
it hurts more in the daytime
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
