i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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