just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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