I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
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Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
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Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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