Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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