I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
