I puked a lego.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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