Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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