It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
