hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
