I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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