he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
