If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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