about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
