They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
