Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
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you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
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I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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