the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
