When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
