Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
