and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
