Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
