I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
