I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
