i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
3pm strippers are depressing
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
