Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
