im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
