I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
