I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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