Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
A bitchslap is in order.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
