You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
