this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
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Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
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She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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