I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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