when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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