I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
