I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
