Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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