I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
