fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
