Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
