Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
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These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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