Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
