Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
