she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
